Monday - tuition after school.

Tuesday - Had dinner with Sylvia after my 3 consecutive tutorials. It is always so refreshing and enlightening talking to her, and I enjoyed every minute of it. You know, there’re always just these few people in your life whom you can always talk as well as listen to them – and feel like both of you will always understand what each other is going through. And you get this very comforting and…blessed feeling that you can always count on this person to be there for you. Talking to her about my personal stuff and life…in general, really made my day. I love you babe

Wednesday - Lunch with Shu-en, Uma and Geri..who left with her friend after awhile. It feels really good to have your bunch of friends with you for meals – which doesn’t happen very often for me in school because I tend to go by the “independent style” – taking modules without arranging with friends because it’s so difficult to coordinate everything. But because we’re all sociology majors, this feeling rocks even more! After my last lecture of the day Shu-en and I hung out in town and gosh, I really had so much fun with her talking about alot of things, shopping and the dinner at Ajisen Ramen was particularly sweet. It is so overwhelming knowing someone who knows so much about fashion, music and celebrity lifestyle – the same interests as me and I must say I love it! She’s so nice to drop me the links to some of the best sites I’ve seen on the web! And of course – she turned on the “bitch” in me! Oh no…Gossiping, “bitching” and laughing about it, sometimes at ourselves!

Later we met up with Geri again to watch some “sexuality” films arranged by our dear Prof Leong at Sinema Old School – 3 films in one. They were interesting but quite heartening too: learning about the plight of sex workers around the world and their circumstances surrounding poverty, helplessness and repression.

Today – I had time to think a lot about what’s bothering me lately. I’m not particularly stressed about school work but what’s giving me a face full of zits, late nights (because I don’t feel like sleeping although I’m tired), poor sleep quality, poor appetite and a head that houses typhoons and tornadoes? My mind’s a whirl and that’s a fact that I really dislike because suddenly it’s as if I’ve lost control of my emotions – I don’t know what to think or what to feel sometimes. And more importantly I don’t know what to do.

Today, however, I made a choice. Not long after I made that choice and felt completely horrible about it a phone call came in and I have to go for the 1st interview for the iLEAD programme because they have no other slots tomorrow. This is the second time of the week someone didn’t receive my important email (I requested a change of interview slot to tomorrow but that was not received or acknowledged). So I pretty much had no choice and I went down to school for the interview at Heng Mui Keng Terrace (NUS Entrepreneurship Centre). The journey there was an emotional and heart-wrenching one, because I was just thinking and thinking about our relationship. About our conversation an hour ago. About the consequences of separation.

I took a cab down from BTC because I was running late and had hardly enough time to catch my breath when I was ushered into the room. I had 4 interviewers; I wasn’t a nervous wreck but I was so relieved that I could answer the questions quite comfortably. I had told ZQ, “You know, I feel kinda powerful after the interview…I don’t know how, and why, but I just had that “I did it” feeling. Being emotionally “injured” in a way, I’m thankful that I survived the firing of question after question at me…”

I went straight home after that. Or rather that was my initial intention but I just felt like cheering myself up and lightening up my mood – and of course, not surprisingly – retail therapy came to my rescue and I bought a pair of lovely shoes, or heels, to be specific, from Mondo (Square 2) for only $20.70! They’re having a 20% store-wide sale and there’s a sale rack that sells a pair for only $19.90 and a second pair will only cost $10! You can definitely find your pair of very affordable yet chic pair there!

8pm – I only had one thing in mind, that is to watch the Channel 8 programme that is a prelude to Christopher Lee and Fann Wong’s wedding. (bookmark 29th September! There’s gonna be a live telecast of their wedding fyi)

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I’m not a fan of Fann nor Chris, but I grew up watching them as screen couples in countless serial dramas and I just love this very beautiful couple. I think they look great together and I think Fann’s pretty and…I really feel happy for them, really glad that they are finally getting married. It’s like watching those dramas come alive because they are truly in love – so do fantasies and dreams really come true that way? Watching their wedding preparations, life/love story and all the fuss everyone is around them makes me think about my own love story. Honestly, nothing came out of nothingness – empty thoughts and everything’s a blur. And I end up avoiding thinking about it altogether.

I used to really like this song.

[Stay - Fann Wong]

Stay 因為夜太美 寂寞的月亮
需要星星陪 Stay 不管夜多黑
不管天會亮 不去想明天
帶我飛 遠遠的 到天涯 到海角 浩瀚的
天際裡 只要有你陪 也許苦 也許甜
不害怕 不後悔 因為愛 讓我們再也分不開
(Just) Stay Stay 因為夜太美 寂寞的月亮
需要星星陪 Stay 就算是不對 就算是沉倫 錯誤也是美

“I’m not sure it’s really what I want, but I’m pretty sure that it will make me happier eventually.”